Tough love........

Well, it's Day 32 of my cycle..... (TMI, I am sure) I find myself sitting here all week pondering the concept of another baby, another pregnancy, another 40 lbs, back aches, no more running, one more mouth to feed, new cuddles, another sweet baby face, no more sleep, one more person to hug, being 'attached' to someone physically for the next 24 months........ the good, the bad, the easy and the hard.... hmmm...

I guess I feel guilty that I am not sitting here in completely awestruck anticipation that I could be embarking on yet another opportunity to share in God's creative miracle. My feelings are more geared toward anxiety..... I love babies, and would welcome one whole-heartedly, BUT (yes there is a 'but') I feel so unprepared right now...... physically and emotionally. I hate even writing this down......

Sometimes it is hard to be Catholic....... the teachings are tough, but I guess that is what makes the whole of it so awesome. God said we would have to pick up our crosses.. I wouldn't refer to my child as a 'cross'.. he or she is a wonderful, very much loved person.. I refer more to the 'hardships' of pregnancy.. swollen feet, sore backs, lots of extra pounds, slow movement, hormones, morning sickness, and let's not forget labor. And then just the amazing responsibility of raising a child. Another soul in my care when I am afraid I am doing an inadequate job with the first seven............

So... I will pray for God's grace, which always comes when it is needed. I am sure that whatever His plan, it is for the best for me and my family. I was unsure whether or not I should share something like this publicly, but I feel like these are real feelings. I am sure others have shared them at some point, and it is nice to know we aren't alone. Also, most importantly, ready or not, if God chooses to give us another baby, we would always choose life.....